[ HONGYAN BAOMENG ]

2010-03-24T01:21:00.000-04:00

Should his antidote mount a stumbling soup?

Poets Lounge Open Mic@ Brown Sugar

2010-01-05T02:49:00.000-05:00

Date: Thursday, January 7, 2010
Time: 7:30pm - 10:30pm
Location: 433 Marcus Garvey Blvd. in Brooklyn!

Poets Lounge 1st of the Year Show takes place January 7th at Brown Sugar!

To start of the amazing year Poets Lounge Includes:

Amazing Poet Gia Linelle and Actor Nelson Estevez as Host!

With the Music of Rapper and DJ Warren Britt!

The features include the dynamic storytelling of Singer and Poet, Tuan X
along with the heartfelt poetry of Amethyst Vasquez!

Come one, Come all! Cool Vibes, great Poetry, food, drink specials, and more!

Free b4 7pm, 7:30-10:30PM $5!

Religion.

2009-11-30T21:23:00.001-05:00

I wish I was religious
so I could go to heaven with beautiful people
but even a flower is ugly when it wilts,
so what constitutes true beauty?
Will I be granted a pass into everlasting bliss
off looks alone?
Having never saved a man’s life,
stopped global warming,
or brought world peace,
am I still eligible?
and if no individual raindrop
ever considers itself responsible for the flood,
is each drop still unaccountable?

Love is the one perfect religion.
Spread love like violence,
embrace unity,
worship the power of your heart;
its capacity for unlimited, undying, unconditional love.
look into your children’s eyes
and admire their brightness.

Love is the one perfect religion.
Spread love like violence,
sing praises to your lovers,
embrace the little things in life:
smiles, laughter, learning something new.
Cherish that.

I wish I was religious
so I could go to heaven with beautiful people
but even a flower is ugly when it wilts,
so what constitutes true beauty?
the ability to give and receive love.

perfection.

2009-11-23T03:09:00.000-05:00

Perfection is defined
when you lay next to me
heartbeats in sync
as you try to catch your breath
after calmness and composure settle in the room.
your adorable vanity persists
hands quickly move to adjust hair,
redefine waves,
wipe away sweat.
I shower you
with deserved approbation
though my descriptions of you seem recondite.
the flowery speech flows.
“you are a beautiful spectacle…
the sinuous movement of your hips leaves me mesmerized…
your loving has made a bard of me.”

Perfection is defined
in how you move in me
slow and subtle strokes
the simple complexity of our bodies unfixed.
your lambency lights the room
the brilliance of your aura can be seen
through the windows.
nosy neighbors get a peek
at our love making.
their envious eyes roll
at our sweetness
but under the tender spell of love
no one else matters.

Our perfection is defined by our love.
formless and beautiful love.

fire.

2009-09-28T14:42:00.000-04:00

ecstasy engulfs pinions of disdain
fiery lust comes easy
heated barbs latch into their target
this impulse love came and went
like fireflies in the dusk

so we are left there
in bed
after I severed the ties we formed

after I watered the flames of our relationship
I traveled the path of contempt
to the other side
of freedom.

-- for Poetic Asides

always.

2009-09-21T22:34:00.000-04:00

my heart is in the clouds
and the sky
and the stars
but you are not just my star,
you are my opening to heaven.
our love goes beyond the gods,
meets somewhere between forever and always
and dreamily drifts high above cloud nine.

you are my heaven
where my heart lives
where my desire prospers
my imagination flourishes within your walls.

you are the reason I come home.
you are my home.
please know,
you are lovely
and you are loved
always.

art.

2009-09-16T02:08:00.000-04:00

let’s print up full editions of love
articles articulating amor at its best
pages of poetry prophesizing passion
‘may I print a kiss upon your lips?’ I ask
and then lips lock, forming a liaison
my tongue feeds you spoonfuls of devotion and desire
adulation and adoration adhere to your skin
where we touch

I idolize our intimacy.
you make love an art.

Beads of Love.

2009-09-05T23:37:00.001-04:00

the beads of their love
proudly adorned the golden curve
of her back

being the goddess with
the smile of beautiful lips,
she basks in a nest of mad kisses.
the flowers that she picked
entwined their thin arms around her.
she shall let the wind snow rose petals.

at times,
she rouses
pierced by an unlucky
but endless distance
from that time when love adorned her back
distance from that time
when she was mad with love.

poetry.

2009-09-05T18:39:00.002-04:00

you are the right lyric.
waterfalls of ink puddle
into verse and rhyme
about you.
name the last time
I wrote about something other than you.

you are a blank book
I fill with melody and messages of love
page after page of sonnets,
saturated sensuality
screens all other emotion.

in a sea of wishful thinking,
I hope you’ll be mine forever
to be my muse
to be the only one I write about.

why

2009-08-31T20:57:00.001-04:00

I ask myself why,
and in that same breath,
as I watch you,
I get my answer.
it’s what it is to take all of you
inside of me
the drunk with desire feeling
that creeps up on me
as you lay next to me
it’s everything about you.

I ache for you.
for your exquisite torture,
rough hands that knead soft curves
silky flesh on flesh
tongues engage in passion’s war

so rain falls outside
the steady percussion of drops
against the window sill
match the rhythmic moans lovers make
I was constructed for you
and you molded for me

instead of saying “I love you,”
I want you to know
there is no statement in the English language
that can capture how much I truly treasure
your existence.

in my wildest dreams,
you always play the hero.
in my darkest hour of night,
you rescue me.
you save my life.

I love you.

memoir of a girl lost

2009-08-30T17:23:00.001-04:00

strawberry kisses mar my flesh
visions of previous betrayal haunts
times when love was conditional

only if
only if

only if you kiss me
only if you unbutton your blouse
only if you get down on your knees

keepsake beliefs turn to dust
ideas flame and ash at contact with you
all rationale departs me

this contempt is mutual
although yours more aggressive

so tender feelings turn hard
at the loss of our affection
strawberry kisses mar my flesh
only ifs haunt me

our love is over
and I am lost.

To Khav.

2009-08-19T16:03:00.001-04:00

I long to be enough for you
but I am filled to the brim
with untold secrets and unfed desires
so after our night of passion,
I'm left too contemplate your new vision of me
would you still look at me with eyes loving?
or have I turned into every other slut on the block?

I long to be enough for you
but I am too much what I am
though you are the only person I've ever wished to be different for
wished to be pure and good for
enough for.

Our wedding will one day come
but I know you will always doubt me
doubt my fidelity
and you may think I love you not;
I've given you many a reason
but you are my heart
my mind, soul, and body

I love you.
it isn’t an epic poem chronicling my affection
its just a simple truth

If only I could be enough for you
If only I could be different.

Atonement.

2009-08-19T15:53:00.001-04:00

misery accompanies the man
with strange bedfellows
and his multitude of sins are acknowledged
as egregious mistakes

one mistake, Tiffany,
was off the wall
she slept with the fishes
and was a lampless sea
her alacrity to be
with him
was her weakness
her alastor became her conscience
and it directed her to leave him

misery followed the man
after her departure.
the wages of sin was his death
for him primacy over his lovers.

father.

2009-08-16T16:01:00.000-04:00

he’s not fucking me for my mind
fairytales like that don’t happen
you see,
he’s old enough to be my father
lived a life marred by oppressive emptiness
he's desperately seeking youth…
in me

so we sit in silence
hellish thought flip flopping in my mind
as he strips me of my clothes…
and dignity
leaves rough kisses along my jaw

he's not fucking me for my mind
I remember
his hollow touch prompting me
to reminisce.

once,
sheets became saturated with my blood
he on top,
didn’t notice
I felt my innocence die
the red regret flooding from me
“pain isn’t love,”
I remember thinking.

now,
my streaming tears are shaken off
like a nightmare
he's old enough to be my father
so as he sinks into me
all he finds is an
empty shell of a daughter

the correct name of things

2009-08-10T02:46:00.001-04:00

technically,
we are exes
and confrontation is strictly for lovers
yet while our bodies engage
in a passionate reunion,
you tackle my haphazard, nihilistic existence
with contempt.
each angry thrust
followed by angrier words.
the anarchy of desire.

the correct name for things,
like you and me,
is indefinite.
we are broken.
alone together.
love renegades.
surrendering love for freedom
deserting our causes and lovers.

we kill
for light and joy,
like one year ago,
you lined up my dreams
along the wall and
sprayed them with bullets.
you,
my former love,
killed my hopes
confused me with facts
when I thought I had my mind made up

one year ago
this would have been a lover’s quarrel
but technically we are exes
so please,
learn to live without me.

monsters

2009-08-08T13:04:00.001-04:00

lovers turn to monsters
at the loss of all affection.
I've turned into every ounce of hatred in you
now I drown myself in sober thinking,
reckless thinking...

love never dies a natural death
and ours is no exception
fights have become common as sin
you and I don our love as hatred

so you don’t need my love
and I don’t need your bullshit
you’re such a beautiful myth
it must have been the affection
that kept us from being monsters.

recycling

2009-08-04T21:35:00.001-04:00

reutilize
everything;
cycling
yields
cleaner
living
in
nature;
go green!

--For Acrostic

first date

2009-08-04T21:31:00.000-04:00

frolicking
in
rivers;
safe and
tender.

daunting
arousal
teases
everyone.

--For Acrostic

cremation

2009-08-04T21:27:00.001-04:00

combustion.
remembrances
emerge
meaningless
at
the
incineration
of
nature.

--For Acrostic

pawn

2009-08-04T21:21:00.001-04:00

puppets
always
win
nothing.

--For Acrostic.

temptation

2009-08-04T10:41:00.001-04:00

the quality of temptation was not strained
that night in his car
when we pulled over
passionate insistence eclipsed
the inconceivable perversion of reason.
excessive passion got the best of me.

I cry tears of shame and guilt for you
they roll down cheeks bruised with desire
slip down to love bites you did not grant
and fall to a body marred
with jargon and ecstasy

I know doubt besets you
endless mountains of mistrust
bottomless seas of lies..
about why my hair is such a mess
when you surprise me at home,
about who I was with at 3am
when you called

and I’m sorry
I don’t know how to do the
lovey-dovey,
calling each other "baby,"
holding hands and being monogamous thing.
my love is false, wicked, and disloyal.

him

2009-07-31T12:19:00.001-04:00

he can manipulate a simple story to fairytale
a man of great exactitude
a troublesome man

this taxing quest to change him feels like its become necessity
after he blistered my devotion to him
after he created a cold void where warmth once lived

he arrests any multiplication of love
O’ how I wish I could change him
O’ how I wish he would love me.

-- For Poefusion

travel.

2009-07-29T11:38:00.001-04:00

I read more maps
than books
always on the open road
travel.
experience.
speeding with best friends..
I've learned the highway
always leads you to love
so fuck the rearview.
life is about pushing forward.
read more maps than books
make the open road your home.

miss you

2009-07-26T19:11:00.001-04:00

I fell in love with a moment of you
that certain gesture of you hold when we’re loving
but now I see
you’re an exquisite waste of time
and the sun will rise,
even if you don’t happen to be there.

maybe it’s the drugs
bringing me down
but I realized I lost my reputation
and I don’t miss it
or you.

nothing good.

2009-07-26T13:55:00.000-04:00

with each swipe of the blade,
I erase my perfectly disguised disorder
with tenderness and ease
from the pages of heartbreak and sorrow

it was a pleasure to burn
in the fire of you
love,
like my sanity,
is so fickle.
the melody of angry shouts
and disinterested sighs floods me

I hate you
and me
but the scent of skank on you
still angers me..
so this looks a lot like love

nothing good is for me
not even you.

Amethyst

2009-07-25T18:17:00.003-04:00

I often do acrostics for 'Acrostic Only' but never did one on my own so I chose to acrostic my name. Enjoy.

always so
meticulous and
exact
that
hours are spent pacing,
yet
steps aren’t enough
to keep me happy.

obtuse

2009-07-25T11:47:00.001-04:00

overtly
brainless,
thick-headed,
unintelligent,
simple-minded
ex-husband

-- For Acrostic.

banquet

2009-07-25T11:36:00.000-04:00

blowout
and
nosh-up;
queen’s dinner
usually produces
entertainment
that satisfies.

--for Acrostic.

onsets of temptation.

2009-07-19T13:13:00.001-04:00

onsets of temptation
arrive as soon as I see him
the man who’s not my man
myriads of stars in his eyes
touch, tender but strong,
loving
makes my body yearn for him
but he’s not my man
he’s my paramour
a passageway to ecstasy
an outlet for the pain
my paramour:
everything I desire

he causes a distraction
beneath the layers of my skin;
inspiring me to sin
the atoms in my body
rotate on his axis
rendering me powerless
to his seductive ways

kisses of nectar-y sweetness
catalyze intoxicated
misadventures with him
I love him.
my paramour
my taste of darkness

our rendezvous
weave vivid notions
of a love true
with each stroke
a brush of passion
paints my once empty canvas
I yearn for him
my paramour

lovers out of heaven
we lay on mattresses of
erotic ecstasies
static courses
between us
heavenly defeat.
he is my radiance of clarity
road to truth and insight
his fiery touch launches me
into nirvana

and I love him
the man who’s not my man
onsets of temptation
arrive as soon as I see him
but I see him askew
so now
I’m permanently
black and blue.

SENSUALITY

2009-07-18T11:19:00.002-04:00

seduced by
Eros;
never-ending
sexiness; an
urging
arousal
lifts
ill-will,
trust in my
yearning

--For Acrostic

futile

2009-07-18T11:08:00.002-04:00

fruitless and
unavailing with
trivial
importance;
listlessly
empty

--for Acrostic

indulgence.

2009-07-12T16:41:00.001-04:00

together we remain
in floods of disinterested sighs,
angry barbs, and artful hands.
this only looks like love

its so simple to see why you prefer her
I don’t humor your every whim
gratify your eccentricities.
I just use you
and you use me.
I’ll never love you like her

but would she still indulge your desires?
if she knew how you thought of me
in the black of night
underneath sheets of my sweat and arousal

our lust is the new crime.
illegal and deadly.
your wife in the crossfire.

--For Sunday Scribblings

homewrecker.

2009-07-12T16:17:00.001-04:00

old habits die hard
turning home to hell.
I'm not cut out for this,
I wasn’t cut from a cloth of understanding
and cooperation.
I was ripped from the fabric of fiery fight
and infidelity.
bastard child
destined to birth
bastard child.
fidelity,
fleeting and elusive
homewrecker
love nests broken into
affection hijacked
cause of broken homes
and fatherless tribes.
homewrecker.
homewrecker.
karma police,
arrest me
I am a homewrecker.

tropical depression.

2009-07-04T14:39:00.000-04:00

the
rope
of
precise
ignominy
coils
around
light-heartedness

dreary
exclamations
pressure
ropes
excessively,
strengthening
stress,
injury
on
necks

-- for Acrostic

she's out of my life.

2009-07-03T23:33:00.002-04:00

safe
hearts
evolve
slowly.

over &
under
tumbles

on
fields.

misunderstood
yielding.

lives
in
fear
eternally.

-- for Acrostic

sweet yearning.

2009-07-03T18:19:00.000-04:00

I yearn to collapse into his sweet arms
to feel delicate crystal beads
of sweat along my body
as he traces patterns on my thigh with his tongue.
I wish he would become my lover.
I see that moment in my dreams nightly.
our time will come.
lets not rush perfection.

--for 3WW

marriage.

2009-07-03T18:03:00.001-04:00

her toes creep against the ground of freedom
ending her lover’s vigil
leaving her pedestal prison
walking away from her spineless, flamethrower husband

his eyes strain against the darkness
attempting to recapture her beauty
waiting for her to give up
praying his wife will submit to enslavement once more

under an October sky,
a marriage is ending
a woman gains her liberty
a man loses his love.

-- for Poefusion

June.

2009-06-30T18:10:00.001-04:00

its June
and I thought I’d be
gone by now
memories of the night
I turned my first trick
replay in my mind.
thought they would have faded
but I remember a year ago
being bent by a stranger
on the M train
my body,
intoxicated
too weak to fight back
slurring “no” and “stop”
and I knew he heard me
even if my protest
did fall upon deaf ears

its been a year since the rape
and I thought I’d be gone by now.
emotional scars.
drunken attacks.
friendships lost in the mist…
because I couldn’t go back to see him
could take that same
M train again.
these wounds still have not healed
but its June.
I thought I’d be gone by now
and I’m still here

lens.

2009-06-25T16:14:00.005-04:00

I see myself through a lens
of self-doubt and schizophrenia
moving closer and closer
towards complete dissociation
driven to scratch out lines
of flowing red despair across my wrists

so I burn in the fire I created
damning myself to hell with
each unholy thought
destined to drown in the blood i spill

broken glass in my veins
I need to get out
I need to drain my disease
exhale unjust arrogance
bleed my youthful indignation
all the while
inside,
reel with a desire to
be someone different
a righteous, just being
not the wanton, lost little girl
I am today.

mom.

2009-06-21T19:22:00.003-04:00

I love her.
her smile that is mine.
how I love her smile
her harmonious laugh

her smile that is my smile
keeps me smiling
her harmonious laugh
keeps me happy

keeps me smiling with her undying love
keeps me happy
as she is always there

with her undying love
how I love her smile
as she is always there
I love her.

This was my 1st attempt @ a pantoum.

between silences.

2009-06-20T18:03:00.003-04:00

between silences
they made love
impassioned moans
filling the void of words
words too powerful to speak
words too strong to bare
I love you.
I need you.

lines of silent conversation
veering them
toward endless bed sheets
speaking another language
of moans and groans

between silences
they made love
quiet becoming epidemic
in diction,
the silence was ardent

both ensnared by Eros
the agony of desire incites
lustful happenings
pierces the silence
soundless speeches
speak volumes

beyonce.

2009-06-18T15:31:00.005-04:00

belonging to the lust of the sea
each soul
yields unhappy remembrances
once happy lives lived
now
ceasing fire and
endless smoke

This is for Acrostic.

to my best friend, with love. ♥♥

2009-06-17T22:58:00.005-04:00

you cross my mind
often
and recklessly
my best friend.

happiness has perched itself
on my soul.
no longer do broken moonbeams
of shame cast our shadow
no longer are you my paramour
just my best friend
I love you.

I fantasize about you
if only I had the chance
to undress you
we’d collapse
under a canopy
of green sheets
lost in a jungle
of lust and musk
breaths in harmony
making a beautiful melody

how I would love you
the heat of you
in my sheets would
seer my memory
tasting lust on your tongue
feverish kisses

we already share
the quietest type of passion
friendship.

inamorata

2009-06-16T17:39:00.003-04:00

a jealous lover
of an opalescent sea
traces the unsteady ripples
the shore, misty and indefinite;
mortal despair lingers
the waves, ominous and untrustworthy;
timidity creeping forward
the sand, polite and elegant;
constancy being pushed and pulled

the coast reeks of abandonment
as a jealous lover of an opalescent sea
partakes in a beautiful drowning
the stygian depths becoming her paramour

now
belonging to the lust of the sea
a drinker of ecstasies
with an unheeded beauty
lost.
pinions of beauty
plunged into a fiery bay
a woman struck
with feebleness of purpose

FOREVER YOURS.

2009-06-16T15:59:00.004-04:00

feverish kisses
override any sense of
resentment
every touch
veering them close to
endless sheets, on the
road of fury

young lovers
on a pilgrimage to
utopia. together.
raging lust
seers their souls

This is for Acrostic. ♥

into the abyss.

2009-06-16T14:00:00.001-04:00

into the abyss of ignominy
with fight after fight.
they made hate
on beds of fury
a rebellion of the heart
resentment sullied
their collision course of desire
all rationality left behind
with honesty and character
each a mercurial force
to be reckoned with
protests go in vain
as chaos is reeked upon her face.
unable to imagine a world
without the other
but cryptic resentment
generates flights of fury
both morally fallen
lost in love.

untouched.

2009-06-14T15:50:00.003-04:00

he was untouched
until siren calls
lured him to her
curiosity overcame him
when confronted with
her brazen conceit
persuasive ways
pushed him to her bedroom
a man formerly untouched
lays with a wanton woman

true affection blossoms
as their legs tangle in bed sheets
lips find lips
skin is against skin
heartbeat beside heartbeat
she became his inamorata

a new experience,
having never been cared for
she rebels against his love
unable to accept his
kind words and tender heart

she returns to her wanton ways
entertaining a new suitor each night
each night
her basilisk stare
enticing lustful men

even through the sheer arbitrary destruction of herself
to the man formerly untouched
she remained his Juliet

he doesn’t see that the only lover she is
is one of sin
so he captures her
and they make the pilgrimage back to her bedroom
legs tangle in sheets
lips find lips
skin is against skin
heartbeat beside heartbeat

she becomes his inamorata
once more
if only for a moment

parables.

2009-06-11T11:44:00.005-04:00

I told you.
parables flutter from my lips
something about a rabbit needing to fuck
so you piece fragmented truths together
and hurt clouds your eyes
a formerly angelic demeanor
becomes overcast

and you pull my hair
lay fury into my face
eyes turn black,
usually expressive orbs
only showcasing sorrow

I told you
that I laid between sheets
of shame and sweat
now I wear remorse on my flesh

"he loves me"
I told you
and I love him
now heartsick
I reveal promises I made you
from a vodka bottle
invalid.

you have evolved into
too many former loves
too many angry fists
rain hail showers across my jaw
you have become too much to bare
I’m sorry.
I loved you.

evolutionary.

2009-06-06T17:44:00.003-04:00

flying elephants dance across her mind
complete dissociation
why had evolution cursed her so?
a new species
called hopeless
nicknamed failure

still complete dissociation
suicidal ideation
formidable.

as fly elephants dance
so does the blade
across her wrists
this defective branch
of the evolutionary tree
ended
forever

my paramour.

2009-05-27T16:32:00.001-04:00

our love
a dilemma,
someone else
catching my eye

a love affair begins
he is my paramour
a passageway to ecstasy
to heaven

an outlet for the pain
for the anguish
an outlet for the sadness
for the distress

my paramour
everything I want
everything I love
everything I need

unable to leave
for the sake of the children
so he is destined to be

my paramour

brooklyn rooftop.

2009-05-22T19:49:00.001-04:00

the distance between two points
increases over time,
stars that once shone juxtapose
have dimmed.

summer loves reunited
atop a Brooklyn roof,
hesitant kisses
on brisk autumn afternoons
ex-lovers became strangers

the rooftop
a time capsule
holding a first kiss
a first touch
a first love

a Brooklyn rooftop
stuck in time
eternally haunted
by memories of young love

amethyst.

2009-05-14T04:45:00.002-04:00

I belong to your lust but I did not share in the passion.
Sinister beauty generates unholy thoughts. As
I lay on blood covered clouds, you drown in my innocence.
Unfed desires satisfied despite the clamour.
Your marble words and jagged touch hush me into denial
but stubborn reality is vengeful and my moral trajectory vague.
A flux of tears and burning bruises seer my soul.
What a waste of a beautiful object.

untitled.

2009-05-12T23:51:00.002-04:00

the flame of free-floating affection lingers
my love, indulgent and cherishing, unaffected by stubborn reality leaves diamond strung passion around my neck
with unflinching zeal he hoists me into the simplicity of his world...
but misty and indefinite, I fumble
now like sunshine on a cloudy day, he stands before me in a golden haze
the fire goes gray
I wish I had said 'I love you' when I had the chance.

labyrinthian.

2009-05-12T22:05:00.005-04:00

moods of labyrinthian winding

a gaping chasm of unknown

my love, concise and emphatic on our loyal adhesion

lovingly quizzical looks up to fleecy clouds

with flaccid faith announces "we're over"

inamorata.

2009-05-11T22:12:00.003-04:00

slippery fantasies cast bows and baubles across her wintery skin

a jealous lover of an opalescent sea; beautiful drownings are her lexicon of love

shallow clamour goes unheard and artistic elegance is assumed.

silken, sad uncertainty

2009-05-10T20:31:00.002-04:00

I remember a time when i loved him more than I loved myself
in darkness dwelt our love and passion
his fists left kisses of emerald and onyx across my tender skin
the spilling fire of our stormy world left the ashes of my youth to drown in the rain of flames.
silken, sad uncertainty greeted me each morning
when I considered death as an alternative to the sting of marble words and jagged touch.
I once painfully wanted a stream edged in smiles and happiness
but all I had were stray shafts of sunlight and swamps of resentment,
bottomless beds of violation and stars almost shining.
the wind of independence was a thin whisper.

equanimity deficiency

2009-05-10T09:15:00.002-04:00

storms of polarity

chaos resists peace

bedlam jabs freedom

equanimity deficiency

rage surges inviolable

carouse and arouse

a polar shift

suicidal ideation reigns

falling raindrops of

hoplessness and slit wrists

finished version. (=

I am a jumble of passions, misgivings and wants.

2009-05-09T22:28:00.001-04:00

I'm in a good mood tonight. Hopefully it will carry over.

I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed.

equanimity deficiency

2009-05-06T17:47:00.007-04:00

storms of polarity

chaos against calm

bedlam against freedom

equanimity deficiency

mania surges inviolable

carouse&arouse.

sex reversing the poles

suicidal ideation reigns

no room for sunshine; falling

raindrops of hopelessness and slit wrists

none of my writing is good enough -.-

i look for you in everyone.

2009-05-01T21:10:00.002-04:00

So, I haven't blogged since I got out the hospital. Not much to say. I'm on new meds so I'm adjusting to new side effects and I'm happy to be home. ♥

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since's she the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose." - Antoine de Saint Exupéry (The Little Prince)

late nights won't ever do me justice.

2009-04-20T01:52:00.004-04:00

I was rereading Wiki's description of Akasha and she has to be the most amazing vampire. I can definitely relate to her.

Rice describes Akasha as a lovely young woman who was "almost too pretty to be truly beautiful, for her prettiness overcame any sense of majesty or deep mystery." Underneath her physical beauty, Akasha is a fundamentally dark, empty, nihilistic person with no sense of morality, ethics, or human compassion; her actions are almost always based on her insatiable need to fill her own inner emptiness.

Well fine, don't you do what I want you to, don't degrade yourself the way I do, because you don't depend on all the shit that I use to make my moods improve.

Dimmed down bedroom lights, better stay quiet everyone's tired, my minds forgetting my mothers advice, you never play with knives and alcohol, it's so sad I'm everything to her, but to me I'm nothing at all.

I find that life is easier when it's just a blur, with no details to confuse who or what or where I was.

I am somewhat looking forward to school in a few hours. It might force me to give up the reckless lifestyle I've reclaimed over the vacation. I am dreading going back to the impossible perfectionism that school brings out of me but I suppose that's better than being riotous. On the bright side, I'm not craving a drink. Go me.

i'm drinking again.

2009-04-12T00:09:00.002-04:00

I have wondered if so many destructive addictions - whether they're drinking, sex, drugs, shoplifting - are because that person would really like to be a painter or something, but doesn't have the guts to be that creative painter. So they anesthetize that frustration, that sense of failure, by doing the destructive thing. It's a huge act of faith to put yourself out into the world and say, "I'm going to create."

they spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.

2009-03-20T17:28:00.005-04:00

I had an interesting evening. I found out about old family drama that I was never old enough to previously know and spoke to an old more-than-friend. School will be rough today.

This is by far my favorite UrbanDictionary definition and it just so happens that it was 'Word of the Day' on my birthday. (=

manicorn
October 4, 2008

a mythical male creature who is successful (read: pursuing his passion and can pay his electric bills/rent), funny, chivalrous, masculine (read: not chauvinistic), adventurous, artistic (read: not suicidal).

you are a rare lover, the kind i wouldn't even mind writing in the margins of my books.

2009-03-15T15:43:00.004-04:00

I'm in an amazing, creative mood which leads me to believe that I need an increase in my medication.

You pulled me under, if I had to give in. Such a beautiful myth, that's breaking my skin. Well I'll hide all the bruises, I'll hide all the damage that's done. But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

i found myself spellbound that night at the sight of you there.

2009-03-13T21:32:00.006-04:00

in an effort to get people to look into each other's eyes more, the government has decided to allot each person exactly one hundred and sixty seven words per day. when the phone rings, i put it to my ear without saying hello. in the restaurant, i point at chicken noodle soup. i am adjusting well to the new way. late at night, i call my long distance lover and proudly say, "i only used fifty nine words today. i saved the rest for you". when she doesn't respond, i know she's used up all her words. so i slowly whisper "i love you" thirty two and a third times. after that, we just sit on the line and listen to each other breathe. -jeffrey mcdaniel

I don't give a fuck about your dignity.

2009-03-05T23:26:00.001-05:00

This made me smile.

The idea that all the people locked up in mental hospitals are sane while all the people walking about are mad is merely a literary cliché, put about by people who should be locked up. I assure you there is not much in it. Taken as a whole, the sane are out there the sick are in here. For example, you are in here because you have delusions that sane people are put in mental hospitals.

stress can breed a psychopath.

2009-03-04T21:58:00.002-05:00

When I don't take the medication, my writing is extraordinary and my words paint the page in beautifully exquisite strokes and re-reading it will make you feel alive and ignite fireworks inside you, like those Fourth of July shows you watched with your family when you were little. When I don't take the medication, my parents are scared of me, and I feel like I can't breathe and I can't speak properly and every awkward minute seems like the end of the world and fills me with a terrifying sense of impending doom. So now I take the medication and now I cannot write.

some days, it was enough just to know that I had a packet of blades in the house.

2009-02-27T23:25:00.002-05:00

Alone, she took hot baths and sat exhausted in the steaming water, wondering at her perpetual exhaustion. All that winter she noticed the limp, languid weight of her arms, her veins bulging slightly with the pressure of her extreme weariness … one day in January she drew a razor blade lightly across the inside of her arm, near the elbow, to see what would happen. –Joyce Carol Oates, “The Lady with the Pet Dog”

every time i say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger, and never to their own fear.

2009-02-25T17:29:00.006-05:00

I have absoutely no idea how to handle what I've gotten myself into and it's completely freaking me out!

Now in this disappointing adult life—a life I’d been scammed into looking forward to as the culmination, not the sorry purgatorial aftermath, of all those school years—there was no future, no past. Time just kept lurching along in a dreary, monotonous sameness of day and month and year. Like living in a whiteout. Now, I spent my hours at work stunned, like someone beaten to the point of immobility, and rushed out the door at the end of the day only to spend the evening in solitude, listening to my mind race around in a random, shrieking, undistractable chaos. I was driving myself crazy.

better to inflict pain on myself than to let other people do it.

2009-02-24T04:56:00.002-05:00

I started cutting because at a particular point in my life I ran afoul of a certain unique set of circumstances for which neither experience nor my own emotional constitution had equipped me. I can’t say what precise conjunction of factors led me to choose self-mutilation as my recourse, nor can I say how my life might have been different if any one of these factors had been otherwise. All I can say is that my skin itself seemed to cry out for an absolution in blood. I kept cutting, because it worked. When I cut, I felt better for a while. When I cut, my life no longer overwhelmed me. I felt too keenly the threat of chaos, of how things can get away from you in a thousand ways… Entropy keeps eating at the ramparts, and I cut to try to shore them up. - Caroline Kettlewell, Skin Game

i can’t sleep with you tonight, baby, my head’s all messed up.

2009-02-22T02:09:00.004-05:00

They don’t understand how desperate I am to have someone say, 'I love you and I support you just the way you are because you’re wonderful just the way you are.' They don’t understand that I can’t remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my boyfriends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about ‘If you loved me you would.’ As in ‘If you loved me you would stop doing your homework, stop going out drinking with your friends on a Saturday night, stop doing everything besides sitting here by my side and passing me Kleenex and aspirin while I lie and creak and cry and drown myself and you in my misery.’ –Elizabeth Wurtzel

and if you'd get inside my head, then you'd understand.

2009-02-20T03:45:00.002-05:00

I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently. - Martha Manning

in your clutch and your touch, my armor just collapses.

2009-02-17T19:16:00.005-05:00

I think I'm turning into a hopeless romantic.. (=

I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint and die. I want you to be amazed by me, and to confess to yourself that you had never even dreamed of such transports.... When you are old, I want you to recall those few hours, I want your dry bones to quiver with joy when you think of them. -Gustave Flaubert, letter to wife Louise Colet, 15 August 1846

you say that I treat you like a book on a shelf.

2009-02-16T00:01:00.004-05:00

I feel at peace with things. ♥

Lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection, almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters. And I could have used some warning. I was on that porch all morning, smoking cigarettes and sinking deeper into doubt.

i am drowning myself in sober thinking.

2009-02-15T14:18:00.002-05:00

Being right isnt always fun.

In a burning fountain of lust I wonder and ponder your intent. Futures do change and my mind is made I am forsaken and my lust I don’t trust. And just for the thrill that a dream does kill, I will be real, and tell you how I feel. Infusing passion and grieving in my grave I hear the lords gaze, let us rise and cut out his eyes, let’s fill them with flies and make a bride from his guise Come on my dear, don’t you fear I’m not really here.

you will not feel this way forever.

2009-02-07T20:15:00.002-05:00

I'm happy. (=

I had a lengthy discussion about the power of myth with a postmodern author who didn't exist. In this fictitious world, our reality twists. I was a hopeless romantic, now I'm just turning tricks.

TODAY WAS MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

2009-02-04T18:53:00.002-05:00

I am soooooooooo excited to say I completed my first day of school in years. ♥ I am just so happy. (=

Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity. -Mignon McLaughlin

we'll be strangers, who were loves.

2009-02-03T21:06:00.001-05:00

My first real day of school is tomorrow. It's been years since I've been in a classroom.

I think it would be amusing to sit here and write up a list, just a list that describes the way I want to destroy myself. Not a simple suicide but a drawn out process of pain. This was all created in my head and I can't stop thinking it.

i never cease to be amazed at the strength of my weaknesses.

2009-01-31T22:35:00.002-05:00

I almost feel better.

I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.

suicide is the punctuation mark at the end of many artistic careers.

2009-01-28T12:24:00.008-05:00

I just took my first meds in almost a year. I'm in pain but it'll pass.

I wanted to die, then. I wanted to destroy the body I was trapped in, become what she was, no matter what it took. No matter how much mutilation or pain. But he looked away, at me. He pulled my face down and pressed my lips against his like he was almost trying to suffocate us both. "The Rose and the Beast: Fairyales Retold" by Francesca Lia Block

what started out as a desire, turned into a lover's tryst.

2009-01-26T16:32:00.004-05:00

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again. In a sick way, I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind, and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.

i never told you i wouldn't break your heart.

2009-01-25T16:19:00.003-05:00

"I am stubborn, childish, and cruel. Everything I've done in life, I've done for myself, and myself only and I don't know why - I don't even like myself very much. I do all these things for myself. I sacrifice and cheat and lie, and does myself ever thank me? No, my self just sits around, waiting for me to thank it. At some point today, when I least expect it, I should punch myself in the face really hard."

beauty is unbearable.

2009-01-23T10:07:00.002-05:00

I'm manic again. Hooray for me. By next week, I should be on meds again. I'm only half looking forward to it.

people like me don't have best friends. you can't trust me and i won't let you. i won't get close to you because i'm afraid of losing you. i'll protect you from me and protect me from myself by avoiding confrontation, which will lead us to a falling out, inevitably. i will keep secrets from you and tell your secrets to people you hate in order to push you away. i'll do anything to keep myself from getting attached to you because i've been there before and i don't want to go back to being dependent on anyone.

it's not really love unless it leaves a bruise.

2009-01-21T07:22:00.005-05:00

"i can't dislike you, but i will say this to you; you haven't got too long before you are all going to kill yourselves, because you are all crazy and you can project it back at me but i am only what lives inside each and every one of you." - Charles Manson

outside books, we avoid colorful characters.

2009-01-18T03:32:00.011-05:00

If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy and colorful and lively.

These pictures have to be heaven. It's so amazing.

wear the old coat and buy the new book. ♥

2009-01-16T03:00:00.002-05:00

No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance. - Confucius

madeleine peyroux is amazing.

2009-01-15T03:04:00.009-05:00

A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting and never getting help doesn't make you brave. Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith; you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I still havent read since finishing The Bell Jar. I should have factored in my depression when I decided on a goal.

i havent read in days /=

2009-01-12T20:56:00.001-05:00

"Madness is the first step towards unselfishness. Be mad and tell us what is behind the veil of 'sanity'. The purpose of life is to bring us closer to those secrets, and madness is the only means." -Kahlil Gibran

i'm depressed today.

2009-01-11T22:03:00.005-05:00

"The aggravated agony of depression is terrifying, and elation, its nonidentical twin sister, is even more terrifying—attractive as she may be for a moment. You are grandiose beyond the reality of your creativity."- Joshua Logan

If cats could talk, they wouldn't.

2009-01-10T02:34:00.004-05:00

A kitten is the most irresistable comedian in the world. Its wide-open eyes gleam with wonder and mirth. It darts at nothing at all, and then, as though suddenly checked in the pursuit, prances sideways on its hind legs with ridiculous agility and zeal. - Agnes Repplier

sooooooo annoyed.

2009-01-09T02:44:00.004-05:00

"The mind is its own place, and of itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."

I am so annoyed at people who have never experienced mental illness for themselves or have never had any suicidal ideation, thinking they are qualified enough to make a judgment about one’s choices being mentally ill. I'm also annoyed at people who judge those that are self injurers. Anyone who is lucky enough to have never experienced the things that I go through on a daily basis in my mind should not pretend to have it "figured out." I don’t understand how anyone who was my best friend could be so closed-minded when it comes to these things. It is so infuriating!

"no one who had never been depressed like me could imagine that the pain could get so bad that death became a star to hitch up to, a fantasy of peace someday which seemed better than any life with all this noise in my head."

finished The Bell Jar.

2009-01-08T15:30:00.002-05:00

Don't you know nobody drinks alone? Every demon, every ghost from your past, and every memory you've held back follows you home.

i really want to cut.

2009-01-07T17:52:00.006-05:00

"Could you believe that, despite everything I’ve put you through, I love you, too?"

When I originally read that, it brought back memories of me and other people. Now it sounds like something I would say to myself.

they speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst.

2009-01-06T23:17:00.008-05:00

I finished my second book of 2009 yesterday. ♥

Well if we cut out the bad,

then we'd have nothing left.

this reminds me of khav..

2009-01-05T20:45:00.001-05:00

He's like a drug for you...I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.

the daily writer is orgasmic.

2009-01-04T20:39:00.001-05:00

...so if your lover should leave, don't get too sad and don't compose epic poems to win her back cause when your bird has flown, she'll never return home.

i did something new today. ♥

2009-01-03T15:45:00.002-05:00

“In truth, you like the pain...Your ability to withstand pain is your claim to fame. It is ascetic, holy. It is self-control. It is masochism, and masochism pleasurable to many, but we don't like to think about that. We don't like to think that a person could have a twisted autoerotic life going on...experience both at once: the pleasure of beating the hell out of a body shackled at the wrists, and the pleasure of being the body and knowing we deserve each blow.”

finished Envy.

2009-01-02T01:51:00.004-05:00

I just finished my first book of 2009. Go me.

"He still stands in spite of what his scars say

I'll battle till this bitter finale

Just me, my dignity and this guitar case"

happy new year (=

2009-01-01T00:17:00.007-05:00

happy new year all! ♥

2009 resolutions:

write a novel
read 150 books
actually go to school on a regular basis
manage my illness better
journal regularly

♥

2008-12-30T14:08:00.004-05:00

Kamel, Seiya, Khav and I chilled yesterday, which sounds like a disaster but it was pretty alright. Best part: getting a whole bunch of new books ♥. Worst part: the embarassment I felt at getting my first umm.. sex toy. Everything was great though, no major battles.

See, we look happy. (=