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Wednesday, October 29, 2008
4:44 AM ; sanitarium.

Welcome to where time stands still,
no one leaves and no one will.

Mentally deranged. I’m trapped. I’m insane and I’ve ended up here. Bellevue. I don’t want pity. I don't want empty friendships. I don't want charity from others. I don't want religion. Leave me alone.

I just wanted to die. I hadn’t realized I was already dead. All the goodness, the innocence, the humanity, had escaped me. What is left was a hard shell, rage, resentment, mania. There is no hope for my recovery. I don’t want to recover. My breath and will are gone. My will to push forward is gone.

They keep me locked up in this cage
can’t they see it's why my brain says “rage”

The demons keep shouting louder and louder. It’s impossible to ignore them now. Impossible to push them to the side when you trapped in a cage with just yourself. The revolving door in my head is constantly spinning and I’m trapped in the cycle. The exits are as bad as the spinning. Mania. The most intense and satisfying euphoria I’ve experienced. Invincibility. Depression. The most intense and crippling pain I’ve ever experienced. Vulnerability.

Whisper things into my brain
assuring me that I'm insane

Lithium. Restraints. Time to think. The others seem to have a secret I’m not allowed to know. Why do they get to be normal while I suffer? Why are they allowed to be happy while I face imagined elation? I’m afraid to live on.


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